Pacha: Uh oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me: We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.
Kuzco: No touchy.
Pacha: Where did you come from, little guy?
Kuzco: No... touchy.
Pacha: Aah. Demon llama.
Kuzco: Demon llama? Where?
[
Turns around and sees Misty, a real llama]
Kuzco: Aaah.
Misty: Maaah.
Pacha: Aaaa. Demon llama.
Kuzco: Demon llama? Where?
[
after falling into the alligator pit]
Yzma: Why do we even HAVE that lever?
[
after falling into the SAME alligator pit]
Kuzco: Okay... why does she even HAVE that lever?
Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?
Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk. We had to be versed in all the woodland creatures.
[
to squirrel]
Kronk: Please, continue.
[
Squirrel talks to Kronk]
Yzma: [
walking away] Why me? Why me? Why me? Why, why?
Kronk: It doesn't have to be all about you. This poor little guy's had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time
the other day
[
Yzma rushes over to them]
Yzma: Oh, uh, a talking llama? Do tell.
[
Squirrel whispers to Kronk]
Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really want to talk to you...
Yzma: Then YOU ask him.
Kronk: [
sigh] Hate being in the middle.
[
Speaking squirrel]
Kronk: Squeaky squeak sqeaker squeaken...
[
after firing Yzma]
Kuzco: [
sing-song] So... who's in my chaaaaaair?
Kronk: I know. I know. Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Kuzco: Very GOOD, Kronk. Here, get the snack.
[
Kuzco considers seven potential brides who all look remarkably alike]
Kuzco: Let's take a look see. (1st) Hate your hair, (2nd) Not likely, (3rd, 4th and 5th) Yikes, Yikes, Yikes, (6th) and let
me guess, you have a great personality.
Kuzco: This is Yzma, the royal advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth.
[
re: Kuzco]
Yzma: I practically raised him.
Kronk: You'd think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: Yeah, go figure.
Kuzco: OK, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been but, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a
permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey. That's sorta the same thing he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know, it's called a "cruel irony". Like my dependence on you.
Yzma: Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Don't you mean "or"?
Yzma: [
sighs] Tell us where the talking llama is *or* we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which one is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.
Waitress: Ordering. 3 pork combos, extra bacon on the side, 2 chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch
of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that honey?
Kronk: 3 oinkers wearing pants, plate full of hot air, basket of grandma's breakfast and change the bull to a gill, got it.
Yzma: A few drops of this in his drink and he'll be dead before dessert.
Kronk: Too bad, because it's gonna be delicious.
Old Man: Oh, that wasn't the first time I was thrown out of a window and it won't be the last. What can I say? I'm a rebel.
Pacha: Someday, you're gonna find yourself all alone, with nobody to blame but yourself.
Kuzko: Thanks. I'll log that one away.
[
plotting ways to kill Kuzco]
Yzma: Aaah... How shall I do it? Oh, I know... I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless, little flea. And then, I'll put that
flea in a box. And then I'll put that box inside of another box. And then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives,
[
laughs]
Yzma: I'll smash it with a hammer. It's brilliant, brilliant! Brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say!
[
Knocks
over bottle of poison on flower, which shrivels up and dies]
Yzma: Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this.
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now.
Kronk: What about dinner?
Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: How about dessert?
Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: All right, a quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job.
Kuzko: Oh no, now I feel really bad, bad Llama
Pacha: We shook hands on it.
Kuzko: You know, the funny thing about shaking hands is...
[
wiggles hoof]
Kuzko: You need hands.
[
Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]
Yzma: Make me the special, and hold the gravy.
Kronk: Check. Pickup!
Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
Yzma: Ooh.
Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese in.
Kuzco: Cheese me no likey.
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Come on, make up your mind.
Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...
Kuzco, Yzma: Make my potatoes a salad.
Kuzko: Hey Kronk, be a pal, top me off!
Yzma: Kronk. Quick, on three, knock down this door.
Kronk: What are you kidding me? This is ancient hand carved mahogany...
Kuzco: Boo-yeah.
Kuzco: It's a good thing you're not a big fat guy or this would be really difficult.
Kuzco: Boom, baby.
Yzma: A llama? He's supposed to be DEAD.
Kronk: Yeah, weird.
[
Kronk's shoulder angle and devil debate saving Kuzco]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Listen up, big guy; I've got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one: look at that guy. He's got
that sissy, stringy music thing.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp... and you know it.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Yeah, right, that's a harp... and that's a dress.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Robe.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Reason number two: Look what I can do. Ha ha!
[
does one-armed handstand]
Kronk: Wait, what does that has to do with anything?
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: No, wait. He's got a point.
[
the palace guards have been transformed into animals]
Cow Guard: Hey, I've been turned into
a cow. Can I go home now?
Yzma: All right. You're excused. Anybody else?
Other Guards: No, no. We're good.
[
Kuzko collides with an old man while dancing]
Kuzco: Aargh. You threw off my groove.
Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove.
[
the
old man is thrown out of the palace window]
Old Man: Sorry.
Tipo: Dad. Watch out.
[
waking from a dream]
ChiCha: Tipo, what is it?
Tipo: I had a dream dad was tied to a log and he was careening out of control down a raging river of death.
Yzma: [
handing him a bottle of poison] Feel the power, Kronk.
Kronk: Oh, I feel it.
Kuzco: Oh, and... by the way, you're fired.
Yzma: Fired. Wh-wh-what do you mean, "fired".
[
Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes
down Yzma's "pink slip"]
Kuzco: How else can I put it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement."
"You're life's going in a diff'rent direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I've got more.
Yzma: That's it, Kronk. That's it. I'll get rid of Kuzco.
Kronk: The real Kuzco?
Yzma: Of course, the real Kuzco.
[
while Kuzco and Pacha are trying out all of Yzma's potions]
Kuzco: Yay. I'm a llama again.
[
Beat]
Kuzco: Wait...
Kuzko: Ok, What's with the chimp and the bug, can we get back to... ME?
[
Kronk cuts a rope so that a chandelier will fall on Yzma and kill her. It falls around Yzma, instead of on
her]
Kronk: Strange... that usually works.
Yzma: So does THIS.
[
pulls lever for trap door]
Kronk: Huh. Shoulda seen that one coming.
Kronk: Now what are the odds of that Trap door leading out here?
Yzma: Kronk. Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Whoa, now.
Yzma: A really big, stupid monkey named KRONK.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Ouch.
Yzma: And you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs.
[
Kronk, his shoulder angel,
and his shoulder devil all simultaneously gasp]
Yzma: Never.
[
Kronk begins to cry]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That's it.
[
cocks pitchfork like a gun]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: She's goin' down.
Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening.
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting *this*.
[
Yzma pulls up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream]
Yzma: [
Yzma revealing a knife attatched to her leg] Ah-ha.
[
Kuzco and Pacha sigh with
relief]
Kuzco: Oh, okay.
[
after telling Pacha that he intends to destroy Pacha's villiage and build "Kuzco-topia"]
Pacha: But... where will *we* live?
Kuzco: Hmm... Don't know, don't care; how's that?
Kuzko: [
after throwing a rock at Pacha's head & acting innocent] Somebody's throwin' stuff... are you
going to build a fire, or what?
Yzma: [
squeaky voice] Looking for this?
[
clutching her throat]
Yzma: Is that my voice?
[
coughs]
Yzma: Is that *my* voice? Oh, well.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you.
Kronk: My shoulder angel.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that
ROCKS.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Oh, come off it.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: *You* come off it.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Yooou.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You infinity.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: *Grrrr.*
Pacha: What happened?
Old Man: Why, I threw off the Emperor's groove.
Pacha: What?
Old Man: His groove. The rhythm in which he lives his life. His pattern of behavior. I threw it off. And the Emperor had me thrown
out the window.
Pacha: Oh, I'm supposed to see him, so...
Old Man: DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE.
Pacha: Okay.
Old Man: Bewaaaaaaaare, the grooooooooove.
Pacha: Say, are you gonna be all right?
Old Man: Groooooooooooove.
Guard: Now, for the last time, we did *not* order a giant trampoline.
Delivery Person: You know what, pal;
you could've told me that before I set it up.
Pacha: We're on our honeymoon.
Waitress: Bless you for coming out in public.
Kuzco: It's my birthday gift to me. I'm so happy.
Yzma: That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel.
Yzma: Looking for this?
[
holds up the vial of human extract]
Yzma: [
Kuzco and Pacha gasp]
Kuzco: Yzma! How did you get here?
Yzma: Uh -
[
pauses]
Yzma: How DID we get here, Kronk?
Kronk: You've got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
[
Kronk holds up a map of the two parties' trails,
showing Yzma's and Kronk's falling down a canyon halfway through]
Yzma: Oh well.
ChiCha: I have to go wash something.
Yzma: This isn't poison. This is extract of LLAMA.
Kronk: In my defense your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling them.
Kuzco: When I give the word, your little town thingee will be "bye-bye". Bye-bye.
Kuzco: No, don't drop it.
Yzma Kitty: I'm not going to drop it you fool, I'm going to drink it, and once I turn back into my beautiful self I'm going to KILL
you. Muwahahahaha.
Kronk: Woohoo. FASTER FASTER. Yzma put your hands in the air.
[
after getting hit in the head with a frying pan]
Kuzco: You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.
Yzma: That's it. Break the door down.
Kronk: Break it down? Wha... , ya kidding me? This is hand carved mahogany.
Kronk: Yeah, I'd thought we'd start out with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
Kronk: That's one more for exotic bird bingo. I am loving this.
Kuzco: Hit the road, Bucky.
Kronk: [
while falling down the stairs] Back. Elbow. Shoulder.
Yzma: WRONG LEVER.
Yzma: Not the dinner... the you know.
Kronk: Oh right. The poison - the poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen specially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison. That poison?
Kuzco: When are you going to learn that all my ideas are good ones?
Pacha: That's funny. 'Cause I thought walking into the jungle alone, being chased by jaguars, and LYING to me to get me to
take you back to the palace were all really BAD ideas.
Kuzco: Well, anything sounds bad when you say it with THAT attitude.
Kuzco: Welcome to Kuzcotopia... My ultimate summer getaway, complete with waterslide.
[
Pacha has gotten himself and Kuzco tied to a log]
Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole "rescuing" thing, but this, to *me*, might be considered a set backwards, wouldn't
you say?
Pacha: No, no; this is all right. We can work this out.
[
the log starts to break]
Kuzco: I hate you.
[
the drink is poisoned]
Yzma: Kronk, the emperor needs his *drink*!
Kronk: Right. Oh...
[
winks at Yzma]
Kronk: ... riiiiiiggghhht.
Kuzco: So... you tried to fool me.
Pacha: Huh?
Kuzco: You said that when the sun hits these hills just right, they sing. Well, I was dragged all over these hills, and I did
not hear any singing.
[
takes Kuzcotopia]
Kuzco: So, I'll just be building my summer home on a more... magical hilltop.
Pacha: Ha... couldn't pull the wool over your eyes.
Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it.
[
Kuzco and Pacha sit in silence]
Pacha: You know... I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hilltop next to us... ya know... in case you're interested.
Tipo: Dad, I ate a bug today!
Pacha: Oh, is your mother cooking again? Don't tell her I said that.
ChiCha: I heard that!
Theme Song Guy: He's the sovereign king of the nation/ Hippest cat in all of creation / He's the Alpha, the Omega / A to Z / And the
entire world will spin / Around his every little whim / You know the perfect world begins and ends with...
Kuzco: Me!
Kuzco: I am one hungry king of the world.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: She's goin' down!
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Now, now. Remember guys; "From above, the wicked shall recieve their just reward".
Kronk's Shoulder Devil, Kronk's Shoulder Angel, Kronk: [
looking up at the chandelier which is illuminated with heavenly light while angelic music plays]
That'll work.
Kuzko: We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials! I'm picking the next one!
Pacha: Ok...
Kuzko: Gimme that!
[
drinks a potion and turns into a whale]
Kuzko: Don't you say a word.
Kuzco: And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every few decades she gets a new one. This year's model is named Kronk.
Yzma: Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?
ChiCha: So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?
Yzma: Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's stepniece's great aunt! Haha! Ahaha twice removed.
[
sips
her tea]
Yzma: Isn't that right, Kronk?
Kuzco: [
about Kronk] Is he humming his own theme music? Big, dumb and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious
during all this.
Pacha: You know, I could have just let you die in that jungle, and all my problems would be over.
Kuzco: Well, that makes you fat *and* stupid.
Pacha: Let's end this.
Kuzco: Ladies first.
Kuzco: [
walking back to his palace, alone, in the jungle] ... Thinkin' I'd be scared. Walkin in my own jungle.
[
in mocking voice]
Kuzco: Oh a leaf! it might attack me! ooh, it's a scary tree! I'm afraid! HAH! Please, I'm the emperor. And as such, I'm born
with an innate sense of direction... Okay, *where* am I?
